Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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