hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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