Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
