the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
