I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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