I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
