he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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