I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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