Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
