so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize