I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
