what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
