I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
