is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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