people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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