I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
