worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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