Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
