a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
