Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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