if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
