Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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