Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
