Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
