I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
