you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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