I wanna bring you to show and tell
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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