is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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