wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
