Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
