bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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