just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
