just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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