You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
