I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
