well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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