dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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