the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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