They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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