Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
