Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
