I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
