He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
