Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
