He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
