I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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