FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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