this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
