I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
