My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
