Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
