were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
