You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
