phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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