I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
