I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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