youre lurking in front of me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
