i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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