What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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