I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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