I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
