I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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