i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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