After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
soo... how was my night?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
