Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
