hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
