Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
