6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
