where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
